"Be kind to yourself. Learn the art of disappointing people; the bar will manage Friday night without you; Ross can wait another day to play ping pong… You're just learning how to be happy in a world made mostly of gas and dying meat."
- Tim Clare
I feel like being the kind of person who will just walk away if someone seems uninterested in my conversation. Conversely, I would very much like to just walk away if I'm not interested in theirs.
I don't like it when I'm talking to someone about something I'm really passionate about and they look dead behind the eyes, either because they are dead behind the eyes or because they have no clue what I'm talking about and are only pretending to know. They may also just be pretending to care... Who knows?
I guess this doesn't usually happen with people of my sex. I usually only have a conversation with another man if he really intrigues me, unless I HAVE to (unavoidable events and shit).
Therefore, I am referring to conversations with women. More specifically, I am referring to when I am thinking with my second head, which is pretty much all the time. This is a rant directed at myself more than anyone else.
It annoys me when I start chasing a girl just because she's gorgeous. When I do this, I automatically assume she will be great, put her on a pedestal, pick out her best qualities and focus on them. Naturally, one would think it's a great characteristic, to be able to always see the best in people, but I cannot stress how frustrating it is to talk to a woman who thinks she is the be-all-know-it-all just because she's gorgeous and has the attention of all the guys.
So I guess what I'm now telling myself is: be good to yourself, be self-aware, don't always glorify women and assume they are too good for you, be confident and don't waste your time with women who don't have anything to offer you intellectually or emotionally. They may have something to offer you physically, but your gonna have to put up with hours of bullshit chit-chat before anything interesting happens... It's what I like to call 'wanna-be big talk', which is in fact just a 'polished small talk'.
However, the reason I usually have to put up with this polished small talk is because I simply do not know how to play a woman, and I suck at one night stands. The only way I have ever been with a lady is by letting her get to know me... And then playing her.
Just kidding, I'm not a player.
I guess, at the heart of it is my need and desire to impress women and in doing so exhausting my energies pointlessly. I start talking to women, in the hope that one of them will be the special one, the one I fall for, the one that grabs my heart and turns my life upside down. With this goal at heart, all it takes is the 'night out scenario' for me to find myself rushing against time to make a connection before it's too late and I never see her again. You see, when one rushes in such a way, one does his best to show who he really is, in a short space of time, using language as his medium. I pick a subject I'm passionate about and let her have it. Most of the time though, I get blank reactions, or this feeling that she just wants to be numb for a few hours and that I'm just making her think too hard (go figure, she came to a club - a box filled with smoke and loud shit music - to intoxicate herself, I should've known there wouldn't be much there).
Now, my skepticism of clubs aside, not all women I speak to on a night out are blank behind the eyes and certainly very few are when I talk to them at any other time other than a night out! Nevertheless, I am always the one chasing, I am always making the move, I am always the one going out on a limb and showing her who I am, hoping that my passions will spark an interest in her, hoping that she will be positively surprised by what I am passionate about and will therefore become more fond of me, hoping that maybe she will be passionate about the same things... It is never the other way around! At least, it has never been so far!
So I guess, what I am really saying is that the conversations I have taken genuine pleasure in in the past, have been ones where there was a mutual spark. Ones where, something she says provokes me, makes me burn up with the desire to defend an opinion and to tell her how passionate I am about this, or that. These conversations rarely happen when I walk up to talk to a lady just because I think she is beautiful. To be honest, even the sex doesn't have 1/10 of the intensity, compared to when it was sex with someone I loved.
So, stop chasing. Stop fucking chasing! That's it! Be yourself, be kind to yourself, listen to Tim Clare, he had a point (maybe I missed the point because I'm sure that poem was about more than just an encouragement to be good to yourself... Or maybe that's exactly what it was about? Either way), he had a fucking point.
So, no more looking, no more chasing. From now on, I will only go out clubbing if there is a promise of good music and good company, I will only finish that fucking conversation if it fucking matters (and I will monitor myself, because I love talking and I end up saying loads of bullshit - this whole thing reversely applies to me too - she may be dead behind the eyes, but I love talking crap, speaking, making sounds, using my articulators, but not actually saying a thing), I will only chase, if there is a chase. Enough of this you-go-we-go-bullshit and pleasing others - always fucking pleasing others! I'm gonna be like JT (one my best friends), fuck going out! It sucks anyway and I only ever do it for other people! Plus, I already have to spend enough time in clubs as it is when I'm performing. I will no longer look. I will do what my heart wants to do at all times!
The more I look, the less I find anyway... Is it any wonder that the only time I have ever truly fallen in love, I wasn't looking?