Good song to accompany your reading: Transatlanticism, Death Cab for Cutie
I think, if you try to have too much control over your life, you lose control over your thoughts.
Mind pollution, that's what I call it. That's what I want to talk about.
Do you ever feel like you're over flowed with thoughts, concerns, fears, dreams, emotions? What about fearing death? Fearing the unknown? Perhaps it all stems from there, fearing death and the unknown, and perhaps, this little bit of insight will help you.
You fear death, therefore you try to live your life to the fullest, therefore you try to control how everything happens in your life.
But, just taking me as an example, the more I try to control my everyday, the less I succeed and the more polluted my thoughts become. Instead of living in the moment, I live in the past and in the future. In the past, trying to understand or come to terms with what has happened. Perhaps, trying to erase it, trying to deny it, trying to re-create the order of events in my head and re-invent my image of myself - but, if we want to re-invent ourselves, we need only to do so, no need for denial... And, living in the future, trying to plan ahead, making sure I do everything I should do before the day I die.
Maybe that's where jealousy comes from too? Maybe it's an attempt at controlling those around you? Or having them all to yourself? Even at a subconscious level - jealousy when you're not even aware that you're jealous... Perhaps, this is the most dangerous form of it, because it requires more awareness of ourselves, more vigilance. This is what I was talking about in my previous post. Not being aware of yourself, not questioning your impulses and becoming comfortable, comfortable in a shell that you've created for yourself, and also, comfortable with mediocrity, with mediocre actions. When someone isn't aware that they're jealous of someone else, they are ripe for taking actions that may hurt the person they are jealous of. Even if they are 'friends'. Jealousy is a bitch, and lack of self-awareness and ignorance are even worse, because they allow people to act on their jealousy.
Lack of self-awareness and ignorance may even be the cause of jealousy. Someone may have a 'jealousy' originally stemmed from insecurities, and such insecurities may originally stem from a lack of awareness of said person's true strengths and weaknesses, and a lack of self-confidence.
I believe self-awareness leads to confidence because you discover what you have, who you are, what you don't have, and how you can achieve what you want. And trust me, acting on your jealousy is not a good way to achieve what you want.
So jealousy can be a form of control. It can stem from insecurities and from not knowing yourself, which means you also don't know what you need to have control over and what you don't...
Something's are not meant to be controlled.
I believe trying to control our lives, control ourselves, control each other - all of that, comes from our internal disputes of power and our pursuits of identity and purpose, and somehow, death is an over-arching factor that affects how we deal with these three things: power (control) identity (self-awareness) and purpose (unknown). It therefore must all stem from death. Or rather our human relationship with life and death. But, the question still remains, why do we fear death?
Because we believe we only live once? How is that possible? How could all this exist for each and every one of us to only experience once? There is a fact in the realm of physics, which to me, proves that some form of 'after life' is the only possible explanation: all energy is only ever transformed, never destroyed.
Well, we are energy, we are made of the same fundamental chemical composition of the stars, and every time a star dies, it paves a path for thousands of other stars to be born.
Perhaps your 'energy' is just food for maggots... Who knows! Believe what you want to believe! Even for me - someone who believes in re-incarnation and life after death, it is hard to live in the moment. I fear the end of things, therefore I try to control them, I try to hold on to them, and that removes me from the moment. That's why for me, nostalgia is one of the deepest forms of sadness I can experience, missing the past, reminiscing... But never longing for it, I don't want to turn back time.
The solution I believe, begins with knowing myself. That's the eternal quest. The more I discover about myself, the more I know what I want, the less I care about the unknown; I feel less jealous because I feel less need to control those around me; the more I discover myself, the more I discover that those around me have more similarities to me than differences, we all share the same intuition, the same voice inside our hearts, and somehow our souls are all unified; the more I discover myself, the more joy I can find in my own personal pursuit of happiness, enjoying the journey, the journey, which should always be the destination. If the universe is infinite, then perhaps life is also infinite, which makes the journey, the only possible destination.
And when it comes to fearing the end, or dwelling too much on the past or on the future, I think the solution is to focus on what's around me. Focus on the now in the same way some forms of meditation ask us to focus on breath to bring us to the moment. I will encourage myself and anyone who reads this to focus on what's around us. The little details, the little things in life, that's what will allow us to inhabit the present, that's also what will make the difference between something good and something great, and that's what will make life worth living.